Salvatus est in Patre
by Xorn
Summary: (For want of a nail). Shirou Kotomine always had a strange personality. Some would argue it was the result of surviving the Fuyuki Fire; others would blame his strange parenting and family. And for that reason, it was unsurprising that when the Fifth Holy Grail War descended into absolute chaos, he would be found at the core of it. Rated M for language/gore.
1. Salvatus est in Patre

**I'm sure this comes as a shock to everyone, but I'm not in any way affiliated with or in ownership of Type-Moon and its products.**

* * *

In the center of the darkness stood a tower, carved of flesh and curses. It made him sick just to look at it. From the great _hole_ hovering in the air above the tower poured forth thick black mud, spreading across the ground beneath the tower, burning, burning everything it touched. The mud flowed towards where he was standing, and as it flowed over his feet and-

- _a ruler was dragged to her execution, not understanding what she did wrong, not understanding how her subjects could be upset with her for bathing in the blood of their daughters and-_

 _-a starving child stared up at the opulent palace, gnashing his teeth and cursing those who lived within and-_

 _-a disowned child, only ever searching for acknowledgement from the one who sired "him" gasped for breath, transfixed upon the lance of "his" "father" and-_

 _-a man stood above the corpses of his wife and children, red eyes wide and screamed in anguish and-_

-the boy fell back, out of the mud, screaming as the fire began to char his legs. He didn't _want_ this, didn't want to _see_ , didn't want to _know…_

The tattooed arms reached around him from behind, wrapping around his body as the _thing_ that they belonged to leaned forward and whispered into his ear- "Hey, hey, don't look away now! You have to keep to watching! Don't you get it yet? You know where this is, who I am. Hey, you accepted this burden. You can't just lock it away and pretend it doesn't exist! You feel it too, don't you? This place, where the base truth of humanity is laid bare, where suffering and curses are all that exists… this is what home feels like, you know?"

Shirou Kotomine awoke gasping for air. Golden-yellow eyes, near luminescent in intensity squinted in the morning sunlight. He had assumed when he was first brought to the church that it was a coincidence that his bed was perfectly set up so that the sun shone perfectly in his eyes. Now, two years later, he was almost certain that the room's arrangement was completely intentional on the part of Kotomine Kirei. He ran a hand through his prematurely gray hair.

"That dream again, huh?"

He sighed, stepping out of bed. "I guess I'll get started on making breakfast. Nii-san will get upset again if he doesn't get fed, and Dad'll just skip breakfast if I let him…"

Kotomine Kirei was always strange when it came to meals. In fact, he was strange when it came to most things, but that was beside the point. As far as food went, Shirou's father viewed just about everything with utter apathy bordering on disdain. Shirou had trained himself in cooking, making all kinds of different meals for his father in search of approval from the man. However, even at the point when Gilgamesh himself started to refer to Shirou's cooking as "passable", Kirei still treated it with total apathy – with one exception.

Mapo Tofu.

The first time Shirou attempted making Mapo Tofu was also the first time Kirei took interest in the meal he was cooking. While he was in the process of making it, his father had given him multiple tips, which eventually resulted in a dish spicy enough to make Shirou fear for his taste buds' continued existence and cause the King of Heroes to flinch. At first, Shirou had thought Kirei was messing with him again, but the vigor with which the older Kotomine had dug into the food and the look of joy on his face made him change his opinion. Over the two years that followed, Shirou came to appreciate the… unique… flavor of Mapo Tofu, and the dish would commonly be served for lunch and dinner, much to Gilgamesh's distaste.

Shirou shook himself out of his reminiscing in time to greet the golden-haired child that entered the room.

"Ah, Nii-san. Good morning. In child form again today, I see?"

"Yup! Kirei has guests visiting later today, and I've gotta avoid being seen, so I figured I'd head down to the park and play around with the commoner children. What's for breakfast?"

Shirou smiled as he pulled the pot off the stove.

"It's just miso soup and rice today, I'm afraid. We ran out of fish and I forgot to go stock up yesterday. I'll have to go to the shopping district and buy more today or tomorrow."

Gil smiled and replied that it was fine with him as a tall priest with a mullet-cut entered the room and began walking past, heading for the door that lead towards the chapel in an almost stealthy fashion. Unfortunately for Kotomine Kirei, his stature made sneaking past and skipping breakfast near impossible. Shirou grabbed his father by the collar and unceremoniously dragged him to his seat.

"Listen, Dad, I know you're disinterested in every food except Mapo Tofu, but man doth not live on bread alone, you know."

Kirei gave his son a pointed look.

"You do realize you just took that verse completely out of context, my son?"

Shirou smirked in response.

"I learned from the best, Father."

* * *

 **A/N**

 **So yeah, this is a thing now. Got myself addicted to Type-Moon and next thing I know this happens.**

 **Fantastic.**

 **Anyways, this story's being told in CYOA format over on the Beast's Lair Forums (The Type-Moon fan forum for those not in the know).**

 **Go check that out if you want. Or don't. The choice is yours.**

 **Remember, reviews are to Fanfiction authors as Mapo Tofu is to Kotomine Kirei. In short, I'd greatly appreciate them.**

 **Chapter two's being uploaded at the same time, so I'll save the main comments for that one.**


	2. That Sale was a Steal!

**Disclaimer: Still poor as shit. Don't own anything.**

* * *

After finishing breakfast, Shirou excused himself and made his way towards the market district. The supermarket had a deal on fish today, and if he wasn't fast, they'd be sold out before he even made it there! That aside, they were running low on the chili sauce needed to make the Kotomine special, so he needed to stock up on that for the third time this week.

He was accompanied by Gil for about half of the trip, until they reached the park near the bridge and the tiny King of Heroes ran off to play soccer. Shirou continued along, eventually reaching the market district and making his way into the supermarket that was holding the sale.

He made a beeline for the meat section, hoping desperately that the salmon had not already been snatched up by the Saturday shoppers.

Luckily, there was one pre-wrapped package of fish still left on the shelf. He reached out and grabbed it – at the exact same time as a black-haired, pigtailed girl in a red sweater.

"Hey! Let go, I saw it first!" the girl shouted as she tugged on the package.

"Ownership is determined not by sight, but by purchase," Shirou replied solemnly as he pulled on the package with both hands.

"Don't try to act so wise when you're being that childish! You don't own this package either! Listen, we can't both buy this, so you should just let me have it!"

"When two women fighting over the same child were brought before King Solomon, he ordered the child split in half and one half was given to each woman."

"I suppose that makes sense…"

"One of the women agreed to the solution, but the other said, "No! In that case, give her the whole thing, for at least this way my child will survive." And so, Solomon, knowing the second woman to be the true parent, gave her the child."

"So you're saying if I let go, you'll let me take the whole thing…?" she muttered as her grip loosened a bit. Shirou started to smirk… until her grip tightened a bit as she realized what letting go would lead to.

"Wait a second! You're not just going to run off the moment I let go, are you?"

"Tch… She figured it out…"

"YOU DEFINITELY WERE, YOU BASTARD!"

Shirou sighed. "Fine then," he conceded, "we'll put it down and settle it with a game of rock-paper-scissors."

"That sounds reasonable," she replied, nodding as the two of them put the package back on the shelf.

"Alright then, best two out of three, and…" Shirou's voice trailed off as he caught sight of something over her shoulder.

"What are you looking at?"

Shirou smirked. "They had been fishing all day, but had caught nothing, and the Lord said to them, "cast your nets to the other side of the boat." They were confused, but they did so, and their nets came back laden with fish."

"Huh?"

The girl turned around quizzically to examine the shelf behind her.

"…canned tuna…?" She turned back around. "…if you think I'm going to settle for- OH YOU BASTARD!"

Shirou Kotomine was gone. As was the package of fish

* * *

 _Achievement Box: Prologue!_

 **[X]: That sale was a steal! -** Rin route discovered!

 **[ ]: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder! -** ?

 **[ ]: One great, big screwed up family! -**?

 **[ ]: Break a leg, kid! -**?

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **I wonder who that mysterious girl could have been?**

 **(It's Rin you dumb idiot.)**

 **But yeah, that was fun banter to write. Next chapter should be today or tomorrow. Probably.**

 **On the subject of the story as a whole:**

 **It's gonna be a bit of time before the grail war proper actually starts; we'll be focusing on Shirou's childhood for quite a bit, in order to give him some pre - war development.**

 **Shirou's mindset in this story is pretty different from canon Shirou, but he is still distorted at his core, and we'll see that in due time.**


	3. One Great, Big Dysfunctional Family!

**Disclaimer: I'm sure this comes as a shock but I am not Kinoku Nasu, and, therefore, have no ownership of Type-Moon**

* * *

Shirou made his way to the bus stop after his purchase, planning to take a ride to the Shinto area and walk home from there. Standing at the stop in the summer heat as cicadas buzzed, he had to take a step back as a young girl with white hair and red eyes dashed past him, pursued a short distance behind by a high school age girl wielding a bokken marked with a tiger-print strap.

"CALL ME TIGER AGAIN YOU BRAT, I DARE YOU!"

"Ahahahaha~! Tiger, tiger~!"

Shirou stared at this strange scene, thankful that he had been standing there for a while and had thus had time to react and avoid the blind charge by the young child and equally childish young adult.

"I feel like I've just avoided some terrible event for some reason…"

* * *

Shirou entered the church just in time to see his father finish a conversation with a foreigner wearing the uniform of a church exorcist. He arched an eyebrow at the sight of the exorcist's companion, a young white-haired girl around his own age with bandaged hands showing from beneath the nun's habit she was wearing. He shrugged as he passed by, heading for the fridge. Kirei, noticing his arrival, called out to his son.

"Ah, Shirou! Mr. Abrams and his companion we'll be staying the night here before they leave for Misaki city in the morning. Could you make dinner for them as well?"

Shirou smiled broadly.

"Shall I prepare the Kotomine special, father?"

Kirei laughed in response.

"Yes, I do believe that would be best."

* * *

"You know, Father Kotomine, I was worried when I was told that you were running this church that I was going to be surrounded by emotionless robots for my entire stay here. But it seems you've finally started to develop some amount of personality!"

The man in question chuckled as Shirou started serving the Mapo Tofu, starting with his father, followed by the unnamed girl, his own place at the table, and finally the exorcist known as Matthias Abrams.

"Yes, you could say that my involvement with the Holy Grail War two years ago helped to finally put everything into perspective for me; particularly my conversations with the Heroic Spirit summoned by Tohsaka Tokiomi."

With that, Kirei stopped speaking and dug into the food before him with the voracity of a starving dog. Shirou began eating as well, albeit not with the same fervor. The unnamed girl took a halfhearted bite- and then gasped and began shoveling the spicy tofu into her mouth with fervor almost matching Kirei's. Abrams, glancing around at the three, shrugged and took a bite of the food, ignoring his screaming instincts.

He immediately began coughing and sputtering, grabbing a glass of water and downing the entire thing.

"What- this is… HOW CAN YOU EAT THIS!? My m-mouth! I-it's burning like the fire of a thousand suns!"

He glanced around the table at the other three, taking in the exactly identical smirks adorning all three faces.

Shirou chuckled.

"It's not actually that bad… I mean, I'll admit it's an acquired taste, but I've gotten used to it. It's the only food father enjoys – between you and me, I think he damaged his taste buds and can only taste things above a certain spiciness level."

The exorcist kept coughing.

"I… take beck... everything I said… Kotomine… you are… definitely not human."

* * *

After Abrams had regained his composure, he explained the details of his mission in Misaki City. Apparently, a demon-blooded family by the name of Tohno had been potentially overstepping its bounds, having recently wiped out the demon hunter families in the area. Abrams had been tasked with approaching the Tohno patriarch in order to re-establish a proper balance of power in the area. Kirei closed his eyes, thinking on this information.

"I see… so the higher-ups delegated this mission to an exorcist since demon blood was involved… honestly, I would think that the job is more suited for an executor, but it seems I was incorrect. Shirou, if you would show Caren to the guest room on the West side of the building, I have a few paperwork-related issues to go over with Mr. Abrams."

The girl eyed the Kirei warily.

"I do not recall ever giving my name, Father Kotomine."

The priest stiffened near the end of her sentence.

"Ah… that is… I… met your mother once or twice."

Caren's eyes narrowed.

"I see."

* * *

Shirou led Caren Ortensia through the darkened church.

"To become an apprentice exorcist at such a young age… you must be quite skilled, Ortensia-san."

"Just Caren is fine. And it seems you've misinterpreted my role in things. I have a bloodline trait that allows me to easily detect people possessed by demons. I am not capable of performing the actual exorcisms."

"So you're just being used as a tool, then? Is that really alright with you?"

"It is the path that I have chosen."

"I see. In that case, it's not really my place to judge. That aside, does a convenient bloodline trait like that really exist?"

"I possess the ability known as "Masochistic Pneumatic Automatism Diathesis". In short, when I come into contact with someone possessed by a demon, I begin to display the same symptoms as that person. This allows my teacher to easily detect the possessed and exorcise the demon."

"I see… so you suffer pain for the purpose of alleviating the suffering of others. Caren-san is a strong person, it seems."

As they walked down the hallway, the two bumped into a blonde teen with red eyes.

"Boy! I have returned home. Who is this wench at your si-"

Before he had the chance to finish his sentence, a red cloth wrapped around him, tying him up and gagging him.

"Brother Kotomine, there is a strange and rude person on the premises of this church. Who is he and what is his business here?"

"No, that's… um…"

Shirou thought for a bit on how to explain the presence of a heroic spirit summoned from near the dawn of time that had remained in the aftermath of the fourth grail war. He eventually came to the natural conclusion on how to approach this issue: shut up and let Father explain it.

"I believe father would probably be best to explain Gil's presence in the church."

Caren stroked her chin a bit, staring at the bound spirit.

"I see… so that man is Father Kotomine's gay lover. I understand; although it is considered a sin by the Church's teachings, I accept the fact that every man has his vices."

Upon hearing this statement, the King of Heroes struggled with renewed fervor, grunting angrily at the girl. She tilted her head, and the cloth binding his mouth slid out of place.

"I will not permit any further slander against my name, you filthy Cur! You dare bind the king!? Untie me so I might punish you, you unsightly bi- MMPH!"

Caren bowed her head and clasped her hands with a gentle smile on her face.

"Lord, please forgive the poor sinner in front of me for his unsightly language and his submission to the deadly sin of wrath…"

Shirou mimicked her actions, his frame shaking with repressed laughter.

* * *

As he walked through the halls of the church, Kotomine Kirei came across a strange scene. The glorious, prideful King of Heroes had been unceremoniously tied up and left in the middle of the hallway. Kirei knelt down and pulled the gag out of his mouth.

"Kirei, the king does not kill children. That said, there are two small demons currently within this church that must be disposed of."

The priest stood up, clasping his hands and closing his eyes.

"Lord, please forgive this poor sinner for his submission to-"

A golden portal formed in the air, a weapon poking out of it.

"…Do you want to die, Kirei?"

Kirei smirked and knelt down to finish untying Gilgamesh.

"All jokes aside, my king, I would beg you to show mercy to my family, if only to allow us the pleasure of continuing to serve you."

"…very well then. Be grateful I still find the antics of your family of jesters amusing, Kotomine."

"That aside, my king, I am troubled again."

"I see. It's about that daughter of yours, correct?"

"Indeed. I thought I understood myself finally… but now I am not so sure. I enjoy the suffering of others… but for some reason I cannot stand the thought of Caren suffering for the sake of others."

Gilgamesh smirked as he stood up.

"So you are feeling the normal feelings of a parent, and don't know how to deal with it? How typically indecisive of you, Kirei."

The priest frowned.

"No, you misunderstand. It's not that I don't want to see her in pain. I simply want to be the one who makes her suffer. No one else."

The golden king laughed.

"I see, I see! Truly, you continue to amuse me priest! The answer is simple, Kirei. The feeling that no one may see your daughter's pain except you is, without a doubt, the way your twisted self feels love."

Kotomine Kirei relaxed a bit at this statement.

"I see… well, it's not as if it matters. She'll be gone in the morning anyways."

* * *

 _Achievement Box: Prologue!_

 **[X]: That sale was a steal! -** Met Rin at the supermarket. Rin route discovered!

 **[ ]: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder! -** ?

 **[X]: One great, big screwed up family! -** Made friends(?) with Caren Hortensia. Caren route discovered!

 **[N]: Break a leg, kid! -** Avoided getting knocked into the street and hit by a car due to Illya and Taiga's shenanigans.

 **[X]: The ninth commandment! -** Avoided lying directly to Caren!

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **So that chapter wound up running longer than expected. That's fine though. This is fine.**

 **I've been contemplating changing the name of this story; [Latin Words] doesn't quite bring in the readers.**

 **I might look into grabbing a cover image while I'm at it... but I don't really want to steal art and I can't art myself, so whatcha gonna do?**

 **Until next time.**


	4. Adventures in Babysitting

**Holy shit!**

 **Is that an update!?**

 **Yes! It is!**

 **I'm not dead, for everyone that cares!**

 ***crickets***

 **Oh.**

* * *

 **I am the bone of my disclaimer**

 **unknown to copyright claim**

 **nor known to profit**

 **Have withstood pain to create not so many stories**

 **yet these hands will never hold anything**

 **so, as I pray**

 **Unlimited Fanfiction Works  
**

* * *

Shirou woke up at the crack of dawn as per usual. Squinting in the morning light, he got out of bed, shaking off the last vestiges of another nightmare. The boy made his way out to the kitchen, starting on the day's breakfast. Abrams stumbled out shortly after him and plopped down exhaustedly at the table.

"…are you aware that the bed in that room is set up perfectly so that the sunrise shines in the eyes of the sleeper?"

Shirou chuckled in response.

"Between you and me, I'm fairly sure that it's set up that way intentionally by father."

"Well, well. What are these cruel accusations I hear from my son's mouth so early in the morning?"

Kotomine Kirei walked into the room, entirely composed, with his trademark smirk gracing his features. Shirou turned to him with an unamused look on his face.

"But you aren't denying it."

"Now, my son, you know that I would never lie to you."

"Once again, you have cleverly dodged the actual question father."

"In time my son, you too shall learn this skill."

Abrams groaned as he cradled his head in his hands.

* * *

Abrams and Caren left shortly after breakfast, and life in the church returned to normal.

"MONGREL! You dare claim to be Gilgamesh!? An incompetent fool such as yourself should not claim to be someone so far above his station!"

"…please stop shouting at the TV, Nii-san."

"You damn bumbling fool! I'll make this YOUR Last Legend! To dare take the name of the king…!"

"You do realize he's just a character in the game, right?"

Gilgamesh growled in response.

"…I wouldn't be as upset if he wasn't such a blatant mockery of me! Look at the fool! Falling for a fake sword? I would never be so foolish!"

"You don't need to get that upset about it… I mean, it could be worse. They could be selling body pillows of you or something."

Gilgamesh froze at this remark.

"…boy, you have once again proved yourself useful."

"…huh?"

The King of Heroes paused his game and stood up.

"Kirei! Find me the nearest manufacturer of body pillows! We must begin printing special edition First King of Uruk body pillows as soon as possible!"  
Kotomine Kirei hung up the phone that he was talking on and sighed.

"My king, as urgent as your demand to print pillow editions of yourself to grace the bed of every woman on this planet may be… there has been a situation in Misaki City, and I have to be there as soon as possible for the sake of damage control. I'll be leaving Shirou in your care, so take care of him please."

Kirei walked with a speed approaching sprinting, leaving the room before Gilgamesh had a chance to respond.

"Pah! What a villainous man, to deny the women of this world the joy of having the King in their bed!"

* * *

Shirou looked around the yard quizzically.

"Why did you bring me out here, anyway? It's not like- GAH!"

Shirou's sentence was cut off as a wooden sword was fired at high speeds into his back.

"WHY!?"

"Combat training, mongrel! Now, DODGE!"

Shirou narrowly avoided a second sword fired at him.

"Are you still angry about that joke last night?"

A flurry of swords was fired at him, which he barely dodged.

"The King is not so petty as to hold a grudge. He merely delivers justice."

The prototype of Torashinai was fired into Shirou's chest, knocking him onto his back.

"Gah… he's… definitely still mad…"

* * *

"So what exactly happened? Did one of your representatives happen to invert during the discussion or something? All you told me on the phone was that there was an 'incident'."

Makihisa Tohno shook his head in response to Kirei's question.

"It wasn't one of our people who inverted. Rather, it was the exorcist's companion that went berserk and attacked him. However, the symptoms were remarkably identical to the inversion my son went through about a year ago."

Kirei eyed the Tohno patriarch.

"Tohno-sama… this son of yours… you didn't terminate him as per protocol, did you?"

"As I thought. Well, it's not really my place to tell you how to raise your children. However, even in that case… Caren's bloodline trait should not have activated. That is, she responds to _possession_ by demons. I don't think that the inversions caused by demon blood should have caused any problems."

The two entered into the room where Caren Ortensia had been bound. She seemed calm now, as if the effect of her bloodline trait had worn off.

"Father Kotomine. I'm confused, what exactly has happened? Why have I been bound?"

"…Caren, can you tell me the last thing you remember?"

"We had just entered into the Tohno mansion… and then everything went black and I found myself here. What exactly happened?"

Kirei stroked his chin.

"…Tohno-sama, it appears that whatever occurred has you could unbind her, I'll take her back to Fuyuki to recuperate. I'll be back in about a week to properly complete the duties that Abrams attempted to accomplish."

Makihisa nodded in response.

"Very well then. I'll expect to see you then."

* * *

As Kotomine Kirei led Caren out of the building, she paused in the doorway and finally asked the question that was plaguing her mind.

"So what happens now? If I heard correctly, my mentor is…"

"Dead. Correct. That being the case, you will be staying with me for the time being."

"I see. Thank you very much for your hospitality, Father Kotomine."

"…Caren, how would you feel if… never mind."

"What is it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the priest.

"Would you like… for me to adopt you as my daughter?"

"…what?"

* * *

Shirou was unsure of what to think when his father brought Caren Ortensia through the door to the church and announced that she would be staying there from then on. Of course, things started to make a bit more sense when the priest explained that she was his genetic daughter, and that he felt he had a commitment to make sure she was raised properly.

"And so, I need to take a few more hours to recover the body of our exorcist friend and see that he receives proper burial. I'll be leaving both children in your care, my king."

The golden-haired king sneered.

"I am not some glorified babysitter, Kirei. Do not treat me as one."

The priest nodded solemnly.

"Very well then. I'll be leaving both of the children in your care, Caren."

"…you must have a death-wish, Kirei. If you insult me again, you will have no need for a Holy Grail to grant your wish."

"I will keep that in mind, my king."

As the Priest left, Gilgamsh shook his head as a smile slowly formed on his lips.

"…to treat someone so dangerous with such a lax attitude… truly, he continues to be one of the most interesting men of this era."

Shirou turned to Caren.

"I'm afraid we've already eaten… but if you want, I can whip something up for you real quick."

"…no, that's fine. But can I have something to drink, please? I'm terribly thirsty right now."

* * *

The alley reeked of blood, but the man who entered it hardly noticed; he had been practically inundated to the scent over his years working for the church. He gazed at the figure hunched over the body, a smile slowly growing on his face as the Black Keys appeared in his hands. The ghoul turned around just in time for several black keys to sprout from his chest and face.

Cruel laughter rang out in the night as Kotomine Kirei watched the body of the man once known as Matthias Abrams turn to ash and blow off in the breeze.

* * *

Achievement Get!

 **[X]: Not a phrase I ever expected to write!** \- Special edition First King of Uruk body pillows!

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Yeah, this is late. Sorry about that. I won't make any excuses.**

 **That being said, here are some unrelated statements (read: excuses)!**

 **Being sick sucks.**  
 **Having sickness followed by midterms also sucks.**  
 **Having parents in town for the weekend doesn't suck, but it's not conducive to writing.**

 **You know, when I started this story, I didn't intend for it to be full of comedy.**

 **It just sort of happened that way. If I had to figure out why, it's because I feel more comfortable writing funny stuff than drama. When I try to write drama, I start to get uncomfortable and worry if people even care about what I'm writing. When I write comedy, I can tell that it's at least kinda funny.**


	5. Illyaterlude!

**Good news! I'm still alive!**

 **Bad news! The new chapter isn't completed yet!**

 **I've been struggling a bit with Writer's block and such.**  
 **On the bright side, I DO have something for you!**

 **I originally planned to tack this on to the front of the chapter, but I feel kinda guilty for making you guys wait this long.**  
 **So without further ado: an interlude, featuring Illya!**  
 **An Illyaterlude, if you will.**

* * *

In an alleyway near the market district, a young girl had been accosted by several older boys. She ignored their mocking jeers, trying to make her way past and towards her residence.

"Where do you think you're going, freak?"

The girl bit off a whimper as she fell to the ground, cruel laughter surrounding her.

"What a weirdo."

"Seriously, she's so creepy. Her eyes are like a dead fish…"

If she was still Sakura Tohsaka, she would have broken down and cried by now. But Sakura Matou would not cry. She was all out of tears, after all. Nothing these children could say or do could-

"Surrender now, evildoers! Or thou shalt be smited by my FISTS OF JUSTICE!"

The four people already within the alley turned to see the newcomer, a small girl with white hair and red eyes, wearing a school PE uniform, a quilt cape and plastic mask, and brandishing a wooden shinai.

"…who-?"

The boy who had spoken was cut off as the shinai smashed into his face.

"THAT'S NOT A FIST AT ALL!" screamed one of the boys, pointing at the masked hero.

"I am the fist of my sword!" yelled the girl as she slammed the shinai into his gut.

The first victim evildoer slowly stood up.

"What kind of… stupid justification… is that?"

"I DON'T HEAR YOU SURRENDERING!" Came the Albino's response as she bludgeoned him back onto the ground.

Then, a shadow fell into the alleyway. The bullies-turned-victims gazed up at the tall figure, wondering if perhaps their salvation was at hand. Could it be that God had answered their prayers for rescue?

"GWAHAHA! Excellent work, Student No. 1!"

…no, it was just more suffering.

She stood there, silhouetted against the dying sunlight, standing with a poise not unlike a victorious predatory cat. Almost like she was not human, but rather a-

"…tiger?"

"DON'T CALL ME TIGER YOU BRATS!"

At her exclamation, the would-be bullies did the wise thing and ran away as fast as possible, leaving the three girls alone in the alley.

"Oi! Get back here you shitty brats! I'll kill you till you're dead!"

The mysterious masked girl who was definitely mysterious and in no way Illyasviel von Einzbern walked over to where Sakura Matou was sprawled out on the ground, reaching down to help her up.

"Are you okay?"

In an elementary school PE shirt and bloomers, with a quilt tied around her neck, and a homemade mask taped haphazardly to her face by Fujimura Taiga, the small silver-haired girl was perhaps the most half-assed looking hero in human history.

And yet, as she gazed upwards at the small, fragile-looking superhero-wannabe framed in the dying sunlight-

"Ah… yes. I'm fine now…"

"Wah! Your face is all red! Do you have a fever or something?"

-Sakura Matou felt more hope than she had felt in a long time.

* * *

Kiritsugu Emiya woke up as the boundary field around the Emiya house was tripped. Standing up from the futon he had been sleeping on, he picked up the silenced pistol from where it had been lying next to him. He had already made arrangements for his daughter to stay the weekend with the Fujimura group upon hearing of two suspicious individuals asking after him. The Magus Killer made his way out into the courtyard where two people with silver hair stood, one with the trademark red eyes of a homunculus, the other with more normal blue eyes.

Two bullets were planted in the Homunculus's forehead before either of the intruders had time to respond. The third bullet, fired at the remaining Einzbern, was deflected by silvery wires suspended in the air.

"Damn you, Magus Killer! Do you know how long it took me to finish that one!?"

The assassin's only response was to raise his Thompson Contender at the man.

"As if the last of the Einzberns would be foiled by a paltry trick like that!"

The wires lashed out, bisecting the mystic code and rendering it useless. Had Kiritsugu still been in his prime, he could have easily evaded the attack. However, his body and soul had been wasting away ever since the end of the Fourth Grail War, so he didn't have the ability to react fast enough to save his weapon. He was, however, able to dodge the follow up attack, albeit by falling backwards and sprawling out across the ground.

"Damn you! Damn you, you bastard! How? How could one as pathetic as you destroy everyone from our family who came after him? How could you humiliate us this mu- GRK!?"

His voice was cut off as _something_ materialized for a split second and rammed a kitchen knife into his throat. A voice, emanating from nowhere, spoke.

"That would be because of me."

The Magus fell to the ground, clawing at his throat as he slowly bled out. Kiritsugu Emiya slowly stood up, walked over to the dying man, and put a bullet through his brain. He then pulled a cellphone out of his pocket, dialing a number.

"Raiga? It's me. The in-laws came for a visit again and made a bit of a mess. Can you send some people over to help clean up?"

He hung up and walked over to the porch, taking a seat.

"And that's that. He said he was the last, so I won't have to worry about others coming after Illya after I'm gone."

"I already took care of that. There will be no Fifth Holy Grail War."

"I won't do that. I already told you, I don't want her to get involved with this world."

"Just give it up already. You'll fade from this world when I do. Stop trying to worm your way out of it."

The cleaning crew sent by Raiga were a bit confused when they found the man talking to himself, but they decided not to ask any questions. After all, a man who can gun down two people in cold blood without a scratch is not someone you want to be on the wrong side of.

* * *

 **Illyacheivement Box!**

 **[X] - HERO! OF! JUSTICE! -** _...Sakura route unlocked?_

 **[X] - Last Albino Standing!** _\- My dad killed my family, and I'm okay with this, and I am not okay with this._

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **So yeah. This is a thing. Yay.**


End file.
